Feeling Down

My 3 youngest kiddos at Christian Alexander's grave.
We still need to buy a stone, but for now we just have a in ground vases to mark his spot.
He is buried at the cemetary.....it was FREE of charge.

I wasn't going to write this post till I was emotionally feeling better and well......I decided it might make me feel better to write.

My test results of my month long NaPro blood draws came in the mail today......and the tears seem to have found me this muggy afternoon. The hot weather and being tired is not much help to my raw emotions. Its been a long day of going up to the JR High for "get your stuff" day. The 7th graders had to go really early and the 9th graders had a later time. It was crowded and no fun. I got the results in between the 2 treks up to the school. I felt like bawling the whole time I was up there. It was a challenge to hold it together. My mind was esle where to say the least.

So what did the result say, you may ask?

THE RESULTS are:

low estrogen and low progesterone in my post ovulatory phase

The words that really make me cry was reading:

This could account for the miscarriage that you had and may put you at risk for further miscarriage or infertility.

WOW that hurts....I mean really hurts!
Due to low hormones Christian died!
I know it was not my fault.... I don't blame myself. I just want him back!
My due date was to be Aug. 28 in just 4 short days.....I remember the JOY and the feeling of carrying him. My clothes were getting tight......I had big dreams! I miss him so much!

Deep Breath..........

So the plan is to take 4 injections of HCG on peak +3 +5 +7 +9 then go in for a blood test.

The pharmacy that can fill my prescription is about a 3 hour drive, so they will mail me my 4 pre-mixed injections. It seems I was told that this HCG is hard to find because many diet pill companies have bought it all up! Crazy I know!  I was also told that I must pay for my meds in FULL before they mail them to me. I must then wrangle with my insurance company!

What I have is considered PMS. (that's how it is billed)

Post edit {there is hope of becoming pregnant soon, after my hormones are corrected}

You can read here about low estrogen .

I was also told I have a elevated fasting GLUCOSE of 111 and should be under 100.

It is recommended to lose weight,exercise and limit refined flour and sugar.
I have been working really hard the past few weeks to do all that!

I also need to make an appointment with my regular Dr. and see if he wants me to start checking my blood sugar at home. Though at this point I would not need meds for my pre-diabetes.

I feel drained......and hubby's home so I'm going to close this post for now.
I will eat some dinner and then go to bed early!

Peace and Love,

Georgiann

Happy St.Valentines Day~

North Dakota House passes bill criminalizing killing unborn from conception.!

Go here to read the news clip!

Today was the day we were supposed to announce to the kids and world we were"pregnant"!

I do hold onto hope that we will one day be able to make a pregnancy announcement sometime

 in the future!

We had our Valentines celebration dinner last night as today, hubby and my oldest have baseball.
Yesterday, here in the Pacific NW it was sunny ......not our usual rain and wind!
(yucky weather is the forecast for the rest of the week)

Yesterday.........


I took a ton of pictures of my day and the LOVE that was shared.
I watched out my kitchen window as the kiddos played in the warm sun.
I opened up the windows of the house and let the breeze drift in.
I put my "fresh cut grass" Scentsy wax in my warmer! :) sigh*
I washed my bedding and hung it out on the clothes line.
I had tea and cookies with a Church friend and talked about my miscarriage.......
Noah and I dipped strawberries in chocolate to eat at our special dinner.

I cooked marinated steak on the grill and made Prickly Pear Cooler for us all to drink....its made by Tastefully Simple!  Its so pretty....so pink and boy is it delish!

Our family meal was fun and special......time spent together..... a clean table...good food. What can be better? sigh***



Jarett our oldest is missing from the table.....he had baseball training!

Last night I stayed up way to late to start a NEW BLOG.
My new blog will be MY place to write about my miscarriage and journey through my grief.
My blog here The Garden Gate is my main blog and I will still post here.  On occasion I will talk about my loss of baby Christian as it is and will always be a part of my life, but I felt I needed a place just for Christian and those feelings.
 The Garden Gate is my happy place!

After staying up way to late........I came to bed to find 2 kiddos and a Pillow Pet not in THEIR spots, but in mine! I do love the family bed.......but their NEEDS to be room for momma
in her own bed! sigh**

Have a peaceful day FILLED with LOVE!!!!!

Blessings,

Georgiann

 

Finding Peace In Gods Plan

I have been wondering to myself......after such a heavy post about Christians burial, how do I get back into writing a post?

Many of you might be wondering how I am doing?

For the most part I am doing OK.

I still have my teary moments.

Jan. 20 the day of my miscarriage was the start of a few weeks of numbness and total crying.

There was quite a bit of stress between hubby and I.

Part of the stress was him saying, he might not want anymore kiddos.

He and I took the loss differently........I thought he did not care.

Hubby does care but did not have the dreams yet, that I had for this baby.

Hubby was not the one to carry this baby OR miscarry him.

Part of my hurt is from the medical staff.

My mind struggles with the lack of caring I feel from my DR. and his staff.

I never got a card or just a call to see how I was doing......

DR never once said he was sorry for my loss.......

all I got was a hefty bill in the mail a few days ago....that was after insurance!!!!

Hubby and others tried to remind me I have 6 beautiful kiddos already.

I know I am blessed with 6 kiddos......but Christians life mattered.

He was here, I loved him.

 He too IS my child......just one that I will never get to hold here on earth.

 That's what most people don't get.

This was NOT a just a "pregnancy"  or a number in the family line up

this WAS my BABY!

I had dreams for this baby.

 Clothes I had bought for him (just a few).

A blanket I was dreaming and planning to make.

Dreams of cloth diapers hanging on my cloths line!

A box of maternity cloths I had unpacked, washed and hung in my closet.

I cleaned up my small fountian I use for relaxing sound in my room and

found all my pregnancy CD's and music 

I like to listen to while dreaming about baby and sipping pregnancy tea!

I started doing my nightly pregnancy drawings...I will miss that.

I had dreams of where the crib would go

and the new bunk beds I wanted to get for the girls room.

Christian was due Aug. 28.......before the school cutoff date

Things were perfect~

I had dreams of holding and smelling my baby.

I dreamt of hearing all the little newborn squeaks and sounds.

I dreamt of watching my other kiddos love on their brother.

I dreamt of the camaraderie that is felt when our home adds a new member.

How cool it was to find out Christmas morning that we were expecting?

It was such a joy filled holiday!

A story I wanted to share with Christian over the years!

We planed to share our good news with the kiddos (and the world) on Valentines Day...I would have been 12wks 1day.

So many dreams for Christian that will not happen.

I morn the loss of those earthly dreams for him and I.

Women......some  most of us are dreamers and planers.

It IS devastating when the PLAN changes without our consent.

We are reminded that WE are not in control......but that GOD is!

Hubby and I have mended things and he does miss this baby we lost.

And there IS hope to be pregnant again.

We are just taking things one day at a time.

There is always good in Gods plans......I don't know what lays in store for me and my family, but

I trust in HIM.

 With each passing day I am finding peace in a HIS plan for my life.

Today, I will feel the warmth of the sun shining down on my face

and choose to see Christian there.....in things not of this world,

but of the heavens......seeking peace in GODs plan, not my own.

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers!

Peace and Love,

Georgiann

Christian Alexander....Precious In God's Eye's

and our eyes too~ 

                      Christian Alexander
                            Jan. 20 2011
                    Lost to miscarriage at
                          8 weeks 4 days!

This is the box we used to put Christian's remains in.



Yesterday morning after seeing Ginny's Wednesday mimi Yarn A Long,

I decided to knit a small blanket square to put in Christians box with him.

My daughter Jackie wanted to put her cross pin in the box too.

In the end......I wanted to keep them both.

I did not put the items in the box.

I have tears right now.....I feel, I should have put the items in the box with Christian.

But he does not need the knitted square.....

Its so hard to decide what to do, because once items are in the box and buried, you can't get them back.

But now I changed my mind......I want to put the items in and can't.

I want Christian to have them......I want them IN the box with Christian~

Everything is so final.

The blue yarn I used for the square was going to be used to knit Christian's socks for his homecoming from the hospital in August.

A day that will never come.

I am trying to go easy on my self!

Those that wanted to put letters and pictures in the outer plastic container could.

We did all that at home. I wrote a letter to my son...I might share it in the future?

I'm not sure?

Jackie also drew a picture of her brother, I will share it soon.

Jackie also told me that I had to make everyone go to the burial!

At first I gave the kids a choice.....my older 2 did not want to go.

Jackie said, it was their brother and I needed to make them go!

She was right...... so smart! I'm glad she made me!

Pictured above is the letter Jackie my 5yr old daughter wrote it reads:

Dear Christian,

I am sorry that you died.

I will come to your funeral.

The burial was simple and small.......just hubby our 6 kiddos and 2 people from the cemetery.

Faye(from the cemetery) blessed the ground with Holy Water then read a few prayers and a scripture.

We prayed the Our Father out loud together and then hubby put the box with

Christian's remains into the ground.

All the kiddos wanted to help fill the dirt back in, and as they did,

I took a few pictures.

Adam the other worker tamped the ground and placed the grass back.

Jackie then, placed a potted plant of baby red roses with a small heart shaped plant pick and a tiny heart shaped

 I love you balloon.

I also put a blue tag with Christian's name and the date he was miscarried on a pick in the pot of roses.

I hope to eventually purchase a grave marker but they are about $800.

So for now that will have to wait.

I am just so thankful Christian is buried in sacred ground, with dignity and respect!

 

I will admit that I was not expecting to see a fancy tent and chairs laid out for us......

for Christian.

It was beautiful.......truly beautiful!

Noah (8) made this Catholic momma so proud......he whips out his rosary beads! *sigh!

I love you Noah~

I never realised how tall my older two boys have gotten.

Jarett is 16 and Jacob will be 14 tomorrow (Feb. 4)

Boy I look short! I am 5.5! I did not think that was to short, but wow~

Both the girls really wanted to help the boys with the dirt!

After the burial we went as a family to our favorite buffet restaurant for dinner.

It felt good to be together.

When we got home a few of us played Monopoly for a while, then watched American Idol.

Last night my husband and I.......well things HAD been stressful around here between us.....

 I never felt closer to him than last night!

Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers as our family (mainly me)

works through my grief.

Peace and Love,

Georgiann

Hard

Well I have been thinking about this post and what I will write.
I feel very vulnerable and my emotions are raw......very raw.
Deep breath........
After my ultrasound appointment on Jan.18 (Tuesday) when my DR told me I had a chemical pregnancy,
he said that I would NOT have any large clots. He said there was not placenta or "doll" going to come out!
I know.....whats with the word "doll", that was the DR's words not mine!
DR said, that with a chemical pregnancy the baby never implanted.
 I was relieved to not to have to frantically keep checking the toilet for a baby......like I had been all that weekend.

Two days later on Thursday Jan. 20 2011 at 8:50am a large very firm clot dropped out then a gush of blood. There was no mistake about it. It was my baby(embryo) or the start of one. I waited until 9:15 and called the DR's office to see what I should do. I left a message with the nurse to see if DR wanted to sent it to the lab.

Two hours later the nurse called me back....I said "hello", but she was to busy talking to the other nurse to hear me. She was telling her that "she had to call this goofy lady, wish me luck!"
I guess wanting find out answers is goofy! Did the pregnancy fail due to low progesterone?
Does this nurse think a woman that is 42 yrs. old with 6 kids already is goofy to want another child?
My baby DID start to develop! Why did the DR NOT see that?
The nurse informed me that.......
 DR does NOT think the "thing" that came out had ANYTHING to do with my miscarriage!!!!!!
So just flush it or through it away! I am embarrassed to say, it is still in a Ziploc bag in my bathroom!
As a Catholic I wanted to get my Holy Water vessel filled and do a blessing or something.
I was stuck at what to do?

It was also a teary day for me when my DR's office called to let me know, "I had forgotten my ultrasound appointment on Tuesday Jan 25." I forgot to cancel my previously made appointment. So I was reminded of a day that was going to be a joyful one.....when I made the appointment! I guess I was supposed to call and cancel it??????  I figured they would know that I would no longer need it!

I had my neighbor/friend over for lunch a few days later and had a cry. She is of a different faith (I won't say which faith, as I am not writing this to throw my friend and Her faith under my bus).
But is apparent to me that other faiths feel differently about life and death......and when LIFE starts etc...
My neighbor/friend said, "I should just through out my Ziploc bag. I was just being emotional and it was NOT a baby!" She thought I was going overboard to want to bury it in the backyard. I was caught in limbo. I did not really WANT to bury my baby in the backyard. I would be mortified if my dog dug it up! But flushing it or throwing it out in the trash was NOT an option!

I guess I kept blocking things out and finally this weekend the tears came and would not stop.
I talked to our visiting priest (FR. Jerri) at church on Saturday night as I was getting my holy water vessel filled. He told me to call the Catholic Cemetery and they would bury the remains with respect!
So this morning I did just that! I feel tearful but good!
Tomorrow after MOPS I will go to the cemetery and pick out a spot  for the burial and make arrangements. The funeral home needs a day to get the ground and things ready, so the small ceremony and burial will be on Wednesday Feb 2 in the afternoon.

I am pro life. I believe life starts at conception. I am so filled with tears of joy and relief right now.
The Catholic funeral home and cemetery were very kind and understanding. She said, that it is FREE and I am not weird. There are many other miscarried babies there, and I did the right thing!

I will now have to figure out the spelling of this baby's name and pick a middle name!
My baby (embryo) had a SOUL and matters to God. He matters to me and my family!
He should and WILL be treated with respect and dignity.
For that I am truly JOYFUL!

Peace and Love,
Georgiann