Hard

Well I have been thinking about this post and what I will write.
I feel very vulnerable and my emotions are raw......very raw.
Deep breath........
After my ultrasound appointment on Jan.18 (Tuesday) when my DR told me I had a chemical pregnancy,
he said that I would NOT have any large clots. He said there was not placenta or "doll" going to come out!
I know.....whats with the word "doll", that was the DR's words not mine!
DR said, that with a chemical pregnancy the baby never implanted.
 I was relieved to not to have to frantically keep checking the toilet for a baby......like I had been all that weekend.

Two days later on Thursday Jan. 20 2011 at 8:50am a large very firm clot dropped out then a gush of blood. There was no mistake about it. It was my baby(embryo) or the start of one. I waited until 9:15 and called the DR's office to see what I should do. I left a message with the nurse to see if DR wanted to sent it to the lab.

Two hours later the nurse called me back....I said "hello", but she was to busy talking to the other nurse to hear me. She was telling her that "she had to call this goofy lady, wish me luck!"
I guess wanting find out answers is goofy! Did the pregnancy fail due to low progesterone?
Does this nurse think a woman that is 42 yrs. old with 6 kids already is goofy to want another child?
My baby DID start to develop! Why did the DR NOT see that?
The nurse informed me that.......
 DR does NOT think the "thing" that came out had ANYTHING to do with my miscarriage!!!!!!
So just flush it or through it away! I am embarrassed to say, it is still in a Ziploc bag in my bathroom!
As a Catholic I wanted to get my Holy Water vessel filled and do a blessing or something.
I was stuck at what to do?

It was also a teary day for me when my DR's office called to let me know, "I had forgotten my ultrasound appointment on Tuesday Jan 25." I forgot to cancel my previously made appointment. So I was reminded of a day that was going to be a joyful one.....when I made the appointment! I guess I was supposed to call and cancel it??????  I figured they would know that I would no longer need it!

I had my neighbor/friend over for lunch a few days later and had a cry. She is of a different faith (I won't say which faith, as I am not writing this to throw my friend and Her faith under my bus).
But is apparent to me that other faiths feel differently about life and death......and when LIFE starts etc...
My neighbor/friend said, "I should just through out my Ziploc bag. I was just being emotional and it was NOT a baby!" She thought I was going overboard to want to bury it in the backyard. I was caught in limbo. I did not really WANT to bury my baby in the backyard. I would be mortified if my dog dug it up! But flushing it or throwing it out in the trash was NOT an option!

I guess I kept blocking things out and finally this weekend the tears came and would not stop.
I talked to our visiting priest (FR. Jerri) at church on Saturday night as I was getting my holy water vessel filled. He told me to call the Catholic Cemetery and they would bury the remains with respect!
So this morning I did just that! I feel tearful but good!
Tomorrow after MOPS I will go to the cemetery and pick out a spot  for the burial and make arrangements. The funeral home needs a day to get the ground and things ready, so the small ceremony and burial will be on Wednesday Feb 2 in the afternoon.

I am pro life. I believe life starts at conception. I am so filled with tears of joy and relief right now.
The Catholic funeral home and cemetery were very kind and understanding. She said, that it is FREE and I am not weird. There are many other miscarried babies there, and I did the right thing!

I will now have to figure out the spelling of this baby's name and pick a middle name!
My baby (embryo) had a SOUL and matters to God. He matters to me and my family!
He should and WILL be treated with respect and dignity.
For that I am truly JOYFUL!

Peace and Love,
Georgiann